Hello, lovelies. Feeling a little emotional (dangerous combination when having too much time on my hands at work), I turned to one of my daily reads, A Cup of Jo, which linked me to something which linked me to something else that got me to this story. My heart is breaking with sadness and ridiculous amounts of love.
In writing about receiving a teacup from her grandmother as a wedding gift (a family tradition), Stacy from la boudoir recalls how a conversation right after her grandfather's passing became an omen that perhaps marriage was for her, too.
"You see, my grandfather died in January and until then I didn’t want to get married. But I spent a week with my grandmother, just the two of use alone, right after he passed. And we had a conversation in the car about how, even after he was paralyzed (long story to go with this), and even after they couldn’t “do it” any more, he still sometimes would ask her to take her night gown off and lay next to him. Because he still loved the way she felt."
(wow.)
Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately — not necessarily because I'm thinking about taking this step anytime soon, but because perhaps, I'm not thinking about taking this step anytime soon. For me, it has less to do with my kind, loving boyfriend, but more to do with where I am in my life. My co-workers and I were tossing around the marriage topic yesterday, and I found myself admitting that I have a very Sex in the City-mentality when it comes to dating, relationships and marriage (read: wildly independent 30-somethin' women). It's so funny — I didn't think that would have been my 10-cents in the conversation. Do I really want to be 37 and single (sorry, Carrie)? But I think that this newly realized and orated opinion of mine stems more from one of the messages of the show: that it's okay to be 30-something and single (thanks, Carrie), and that, similarly, there is only so much control we can have over our own fate. Who knows, maybe I won't be walking down an aisle until I'm 35, but maybe I will be marching to the beat of a completely different drummer in two years?
As this is my first real adult relationship, I feel like I am constantly learning things about myself (and my partner) everyday. Who knew I was so controlling (only because I'm trying to help, I SWEAR!) and that I, a former bed-sprawler, could get so lonely sleeping alone? I understand it's a mixture of things — my perspective at 24, my new-ish financial independence, actually living in New York City for a long consecutive period of time, and life changing, friends moving, and so on, but I find it fascinating how much I've learned about myself by being part of a pair. What have you guys learned about yourself from being in a relationship? Are you surprised at what you've learned?
A lot of life is rolling with the punches, and the same applies to the future of your love life. We are always learning, always changing. I know for certain that I cannot wait to feel (happily) jittery and in-love all over again when I'm standing opposite my partner in front of a crowd of the people I/we love the most, and I know exactly what song I want to play as I walk down the aisle with my mom on one arm and my dad on the other. All of this makes me so excited (and has since I was a tiny little person)! But before I can do all of this, I need a little more life "to happen" so I can continue to fill in the blanks of the other things I know I'll want to make of my life, and I want to get a little further along the way with knowing myself. I know some people are already there, to which I can only say bravo and that I wish you lots of love always, but in a much more progressive world than 50 years ago and with all of the options of this world at our fingertips, I am shamelessly just not ready yet. But man, I can't want to feel that I am, at 28 or 40, because one day I want to be an old lady with my husband cuddled up close to me, too.
p.s. The thing I love most about "old couples" is how at that point in their lives, you can always see that protection for one another in their eyes. Of course there is still passion and fun and playfulness, but it also becomes more about tenderness and sacredly protecting each other as they grow old together. Less muss and fuss, just plain ol' love.
