yesterday

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Last night I had a really special dream.  Like all dreams, I don't remember exactly what happened....why my mind put on this particularly whimsical show.  I've been told that unless you tell your dream aloud the moment you wake up- actually speak about the sequence of events- it's seemingly impossible to remember a dream.  I didn't speak of this one (it didn't seem nice to wake my boyfriend up at 3 am to gab), so its play-by-play is forever lost, but it left me with this feeling, this blur of images that I can't kick.  It might sound silly but my dream was about youth.  My life back in high school.  How I felt driving around in my car with my best friend.  What was important to me then.  Less baggage....though it's beautiful "baggage" that I have now....I was lighter.  Because that's what I was suppose to be.  Then.

So, the scene: my modestly charming little Main Street in Niantic was under the spell of a gorgeous, heavy breath of fog. It was gray, and pink, and it swiveled in the air.  It surrounded me in my car (which was a convertible...in my dreams! pun intended) and I breathed it in and felt it.  It was like a drug, this harmless, mind-blowing high.  I could cry thinking about it.  How right it felt.  And in this completely glamorized and simplified embodiment of my youth, I was just driving straight down the road with my friend.  We weren't talking, we were driving so slowly and we felt so close.  I felt more like a spirit, an aura, than I did a human body.  

There have been so many loses and changes in the past year of my life.  I'm only harping on this because of its relativity to my dream.  But, as this younger, spirit-like version of myself I knew that nothing could touch me.  Or change me.  I could keep driving, gliding.  It felt like the kind of invincibility that you want to bottle up and sprinkle all over the world.  The kind that let you live with no fear, and without the experience of knowing what it was like to fear fear itself.

I guess I am just more careful now.  I've been exposed.  Which is funny, because I've never rebelled in the classic sense.  I've always been...safe, one for comfort.  But I learned to live as wildly as I knew how within the confines of my safety net.  But not so many years later, though so many moments later, I've become careful (more careful than safe, if you will) because of the external experiences of the world that have finally hit close to home.  I am no longer "safe" by choice, but careful by circumstance.  And dontcha know, that's how it goes. Geez, could I  get anymore intense right now?

What I am trying to say (in fewer words): I had a dream last night in which I tasted the most ultimate feeling of youth (again, glamorized and all psychedelically affected like a dream). And well, I just hadn't thought about that for a while.  About how I felt then and how I feel now.  It was partly a tease, partly a beautiful reality check.  Maybe I had this dream to remind me of a time that once was, and what will always be a part of me (have I mentioned I have a certain resistance toward change?!). But certainly a time that is not now, and that now, despite the uncertainties and the hardships I've endured as I've matured, is just another time and place in my life that I need to be.  And that one day this particular time in my life may seem like a breeze, but I won't know that until I'm there.  For now I am here.  And you are here.

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(and "we are all together").